Everything from my adolescence until my early twenties has felt like a WHIRLWIND. One minute I was sneaking to shave my legs because my mother said I was too young and now I am filing my own taxes, correctly and on time. For the life of me I cannot figure out how so many years flew by without me stopping to take a breath, to drink it all in.
I had so many dreams, dreams to become something “more’ than my modest beginnings. These were quickly tossed aside for late night after parties, and the hope that becoming famous would pay the bills. Unfortunately, reality caught up to me pretty quickly and the glamorous life that I was financing through poor credit decisions and borrowing money from my mom needed to come to a close.
I moved back home for a while and became a little more stabilized but I was not feeling happy, and started to slip back into old self destructive habits. I was not feeling fulfilled, so the party life started all over again. Eventually I found my own place, did some dating, and found a job that was fun, and then I found a job that makes me feel rewarded.
From finding an apartment that I like, to being in a relationship, to working, nothing was as I anticipated. For quite a while I let that hold me back. I was suffocated by how much I was limiting my own happiness. Everyday felt so hard, so I would party hard and then sleep harder. I even went to a therapist for a little while. Until one day I decided that all of these challenges were preparing me for where I wanted to be. I needed to learn how to fight for something, that is what I feel like my most recent years were trying to show me. To have health, happiness, and wealth is not something that I would stumble upon but needed to actively choose.
So I started choosing. I committed to eating better, ridding my life of toxic people, being more open and honest with myself, and to not let anxiety about the future or depression about the past hold me back. For some people I understand that his may not be a choice but I did not want to take pills anymore so I stepped out on a limb and stopped anti-depressants. I attempted to grasp at change and felt a huge impact. I am now almost 2 years medication free and I am feeling happier and more balanced than I can remember.
This is not to say that I still don’t have my moments where I may need to remind myself about the mission but this is all still a learning experience. All that being said, I am still a woman that likes to put on makeup, play dress up, change my hair do, read about current events, and still will throw down a meal in the kitchen. I am learning not to put myself in a box or label myself as much as I used to. I was not making any progress trying to become who I thought I was supposed to be.