Eight weeks into my fitness journey and it is still not an easy feat to get me into the gym. Even though I look forward to the post workout endorphin burst; I still have to battle my demons to walk into the front door. It is no secret that I used to find exercise incredibly boring, but I no longer feel that way. I started out on this journey only going to the gym two days a week and I knew to see the results I wanted I needed to up the ante. So about one month in I switched to going three times a week and I saw a dramatic change in my endurance and my physical appearance. Now here I am in week 8 and have only been to the gym once.
Now I am not going to be too hard on myself because this week has been one hell of an emotional roller coaster (major car problems, trying to apply for new jobs, life in general) and I still made it to the gym and managed to sweat it out for almost 90 minutes. Now that I am approaching the weekend (read: calories from imbibing) I am apprehensive that I may be setting myself back. I have sworn to myself that I will get up early and hit the gym before work to make sure I get in at least two days this week. There is also little doubt that I will make it as I have enlisted an early riser friend to call me to make sure I have my shit together. Plus the fact that I legitimately feel that if I don’t go I will be letting myself down and that is the last thing that I would want to do right now.
It has been a weird transitional period in my life these last few months and as I come closer and closer to the end of this chapter with my job I cannot help but feel a little listless and in need of additional emotional support. But like all things in life that make me feel better (exercise, writing, meditating) they are easier said than done when it comes to moments of true emotional peril. I write all of this to ask anyone who reads this to rally with me and have the strength to get up and exercise one more day to get myself closer to optimum fitness.
Exercise is hard, particularly when you are trying to build it in as a part of your life and not just “that thing you do occasionally for a few weeks after New Year’s”. I have also been trying to make sure that I have been doing the same with my writing, but that is for another post.
For the past two weeks I have completed 3 gym days and I could not be more excited about my progress (lost 6 inches from various places thus far) but the thing that I am most excited about is that I am excited about exercising. Now I get in the gym and push myself, and it feels good. Granted, I am ready to pass out by 9:30pm on days that I exercise but it feels so nice to be a little bit stronger. I went from struggling through 30 minutes and watching the clock the whole time to powering through my work out and not even realizing that I have been at it for over an hour.
I went from barely breaking a sweat to not getting off of a machine until I was pouring and unable to breathe, this is what pushing feels like and for so long I was scared but it has actually turned out to be one of the greater moments of my life. In my job I can’t see results in a short amount of time, I certainly don’t see improvement this fast in any art form I indulge, but I have taken my body and made into something stronger. I feel proud. I feel motivated. Moving forward.
Why is it so hard to be nice to my body? I am not talking about my diet when I say “nice”. I live by the “everything in moderation” mantra so that is pretty much covered. What I am talking about is my almost comic incapability to have positive thoughts about my appearance without any harsh critiques. Everything is always something that “needs correction” or “almost there”. Nothing is ever just right at the moment of scrutiny. I had a physical recently because I was having some back issues and came up healthy. I just cannot ever seem to be satisfied with my body though. I know that I am healthy, and I can see that I am strong, and I have almost no physical ailments. Why am I constantly trying to “fix” something with my body?
When you absorb as much media as I do it makes sense that I grapple with not looking or feeling the same as the images that I consume. This post is not a pity party for me. I am not asking for compliments or reassurance. On some level, somewhere in the jungle gym that is my brain, I am well aware that I have nothing to be upset about. I just had to write these thoughts down because I know it gives me comfort to know that I am not the only person going through something. For me there is comfort in community so I am just letting the world know that I am here and sometimes I feel broken but my logical mind knows better.
This also is not just a post about being positive about your body, and loving your body, but about not shaming other people about their bodies either. That behavior is making it hard not only for others to feel confident but it makes you doubt yourself as well. Just think about it for a moment, if every other word out your mouth is something disparaging about someone how could you possibly have any confidence in anything you put out? Well, other than an extreme case of narcissism, I would imagine that you struggle with a positive view of yourself.
So short, tall, skinny, average, heavy, brown, black, white, purple, green, WHATEVER you may look like you need not feel stifled because you do not look like someone else. I know that the western beauty standard of beauty gives us all a hard line that we think we must follow, but lets one up the system and feel good no matter what (well, at least try to).
I don’t know if you could tell by the capital letters, but I am so proud of myself for sweating it out doing one full hour of yoga yesterday afternoon. I just got into the zone and kept pushing myself to try a new pose or clean up my positioning in another. The only reason I didn’t press on is the ravenous hunger that was starting to make me light headed.
On that mission to inverisions and splits y’all and I cldnt be more ecstatic
haven’t posted about my yoga activities in a while. I am still grindig away at builidng strength and flexibility. For the first time in many years, I entered a forward bend and was able to bring my face between my legs. granted I had a little bend in my knees this felt like a great accomplishment for me. Also while my confidence wa sup I trien to get into crow pose (not quite ready for that madness yet haha) and did some planks.
Just gotta keep pushing.
Also got the olf boyfriend to goof around and do some acro yoga, only lolz ensued.